For: My Crimson Sunshine, the one who truly holds my heart, and always will

I remember the days
When you're here with me
Those laughter and tears
We shared for years
Mem'ries that we had
For so long it's me and you
Now you're gone away
You left me all alone

Go on, do what you want
But please don't leave me
You'll break my heart
Hey, what should I do
Babe, I'm missin' you
Please don't disappear
These are the words that you should hear
Time and time again
I wish that you were here

I don't wanna lose you girl
I need you back to me
I don't wanna lose you
Baby can't you see
Oh, I need you
You've been a part of me

I wish someday you'll be back home
'Cause I really miss you
Darling, please come home

I wish someday you'll be back home
'Cause I really miss you
Darling, please come home

   So, as time passes, I do believe that karma is real, and what I have reaped I am now sowing. For there have been a few girls, one of whom I am now missing like crazy, that I thought maybe I could have something with, but they have all failed. I am starting to believe that maybe I should just be alone, because it never works out. Maybe I will someday be able to accept this, but not today, and not anytime soon. I am bitter, to say the least.

   After reading JC's Naamah's Kiss for the second time, I failed to remember how heart wrenching the ending of that segment of the trilogy is. As I read the part where Bao walks away from Moirin, I felt my own heart break, over and over again. And it seems the spark inside of them both, Bao and Moirin, binds them together. I feel this same attraction too, this same pull, in the direction to the East. When I think of her, things just seem right, like they need to happen. I often wonder where I'd be if she hadn't gotten married, if she hadn't tried to move on without me because I was impatient, and chose someone standing right in front of me, instead of waiting for destiny to happen.

   Why then, if this is how its meant to be, does the flame still burn inside of me when I think of her, when I see anything that reminds me of her. Its like I'm supposed to be following this destiny, this flame in my soul, but circumstances keep me from doing what it is I want to do, and that is make her mine, in every way. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even in law, if that makes sense. I want her to be mine. But alas, she belongs to another now, and for that, I think is something I deserved.I deserved for her to move on without me, to move ahead with life, I couldn't expect her to just wait for me forever could I?

   Moirin, in the book, is leaving to follow her destiny, and part of me wishes I had the courage to do that, to go and try to find her, to walk up to her and let her see me in the flesh, feel me near her, and see what happens. But that is not fair of me to do, for she has gotten married, and though she loves me, I know she does, it still does not change the fact that she is bound to another the way I wish to be bound to her.

   Such is my dilemma. We have talked a bit about things. About what would happen if we met, and that we still want to meet. I do want to meet her, I do want to be able to share the same space with her, even if it is just for a few hours, to see what it would have been like. I have mixed thoughts on what would happen when in fact we do meet. As much as I will want to kiss her, to hold her, make her mine in the physical way, I don't know as that's the right thing to do, for she does belong to another. She is bound to him, in a way that we are not. And though it may be only a piece of paper, still, I have my misgivings about just letting it all out and being with her. It will also be the hardest thing I will ever have to do to keep my hands to myself, but for both of our sakes I will have to, I will have to behave and to just be there as her friend.

   WE do not know what destiny has in store for us do we? I only wish to have an answer as to the fact that I just have not been able to let her go. And that says something, doesn't it? Doesn't it say there's something between us, if we keep coming back to the same crossroads again and again?

   She has said that she wants me to be whole, and I am not sure I know how to be without her. I know its only a matter of time, but how does one let go of something one believes to be their destiny? Do i walk away, and move on myself, trying to find someone who will come close to her, and lie to myself the whole time? Do I hang on to her, knowing full well she can never be my wife, because she is already his wife?

   I do love her, and I always will. That is the only thing I know. I guess I just have to leave the rest to destiny, whatever that may be....

Best Ex Lyrics

Ehh ehh ehhh ehhh.
Ehh ehh ehhh ehhh.

My mumma told me that this could happen to me.
That she would grow to be this beautiful woman but I just could'ntsee.

But I had my blinders on I was in my zone and I hadnt thought of us in my head somehow it turned us off.

And then I met her but she wasn't like you and I dropped my head thinkin what did I do, oh man

I love you, girl you love me. but I just could'ntsee, tomorrow. baby and I can't fall you and I didn't see us through, now I know in my heart you will always be, the greatest ex ever.

Now I can't do a simple thing like fall asleep, cause I can't close my eyes without a day without you in my dreams.
Sometimes I just call your phone, just to hear your tone and I never say nothin just a couple seconds to hear you breathin then I'm gone.

And shes not like you, can't help but to hold my head thinkin what did I do... ohh.

I loved you, girl you loved me. but I just could'ntsee, tomorrow. baby and I can't fall you and I didn't see us through, now I know in my heart you will always be, the greatest ex ever.

   I've been surrounded by people these last few weeks, and yet still I feel like I'm always alone. And its not like these people are just random folks, they are my friends. But all I can do is sit there, I don't want to participate in the conversations they have, I just sit and listen, and answer questions when they ask me. Its like I'm on the outside looking in, and I know I am doing that to myself, because I can jump into conversations whenever I want to.

   I feel empty. I feel lost, and for the first time in a long time, I don't know where I'm headed. I don't have a clue what life is going to bring me in the next few weeks and months, all I know is the road I'm on right now isn't the one I want to be on. Truth be told, I think I am depressed. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I'm sad all the time, all I wanna do is sleep, or be by myself. I force myself to be out and with friends, because I know its not good for me to just sit and think about things I have no control over.

   The questions I keep asking myself are this....where am I supposed to be right now? Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life? Am I gonna find the one who will be with me and love me like I know I am capable of loving them?

   I guess I am just a little jaded about life right now. All I want to be is happy. I want to find someone to settle down with, get married, maybe have kids, have someone to come home to everyday and love, to share life with, to not have to go to bed alone every night, and wake up longing for someone to be in my arms, and I dont think its too much to ask for. Someone who will treat me well, who will fall in love with me and trust me, and in turn for me to do the same with.

   I know feeling like this isn't helping anything, but I don't know where to go or what to do to change anything. I guess I just need to let it come, to move forward one step at a time, when I'm ready to do so.

   I am not sure where to begin, or what to say here anymore. So much has happened in the last few months, that I don't know how to tell the story, let alone in a way that someone will understand it. I will try though, its about time I tell my story.

   So, I told you the truth to the question you have been holding inside for so long. That the reason I left you was because there was somebody else. I left it at that, not telling her the whole story, not saying what happened, or how it ended up, or what's going on with me now in regards to anything. Well, let me tell the story, of which I am not proud, nor will I ever be. It is a tale of love...yes, but love in the wrong context, in the wrong way, and wrong in every way.

   I met her through mutual friends on the softball team. I started playing on a new team, and one day she shows up to a game, uniform on, and I had to smile. She was cute, and she was outgoing, and she was just easy to talk to. We started to hang out, after practice, before practice, then eventually on days we didnt play ball.

   Things were normal as far as being friends went, we hung out, we had fun, but eventually she started showing signs of liking me. She would stand close to me and flirt with me. One day, after practice, we discussed maybe that there was something more there. This is when I started having a guilty conscience. I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend, so before I pursued anything I thought long and hard about what I should do, and how I should do it.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. I had never cheated on anyone and I didnt want to start now. I ended it, saying that I wasn't happy, which I hadn't been for a bit of time beforehand, but didn't want to let go. Heck, I still dont want to let go. I still cling to that hope that someday, somehow, someway, we will find a way to be together. At least I would like to meet, to be able to hold her just once in my arms, to look into her eyes and speak with her face to face. That, at the very least.

   From then on, things went very well for a few months. I started spending more time with the new girl, calling more, texting more, staying longer after games, showing up early before games, and visiting and having her visit me more often. Around this time, I learned she was married. And the fool I am, decided to dive in head first anyway. I gave myself to her, and made the biggest mistake of my life.

   Life continued the next few months, me trying to make a relationship, her trying to live two lives, confused to who she really was, and still is to this day. She would come to see me, we would have a blast, and then she would go home to her husband. This was all well and good, but I was neglecting to see that maybe, just maybe I wasn't going to win, that maybe she was going to stay with her husband and just have fun with me.

   Well after some months of this happening, I realized that I was just going to be the other woman in this whole thing. I decided to distance myself, but couldn't stay away, I had fallen in love with woman. She still has a pull on my heart in some ways, since I do still see her every week at softball games, and I got to know her kids very well, and became very close. I still am close with the kids, in many ways I had come to think of them as my own.

   Things have ended now for a few months, and I have distanced myself even further than before. She says she wants to work things out, that she's ready for me. I'm not so sure I believe her. I'm not so sure I believe in love anymore.

   There have been other flings along the way since I split with her. Girls here and there, like they always are. So, that's my story, minus a lot of detail, but that's how its been.

*It all still comes back to you, you know? The what ifs, the could have beens, the questions that race through my mind every damn day. I think about when I left you, what I did to you, how I hurt you, how it still hurts me everyday that I let go of the one person who ever did, does, and will truly love me. I'm sorry for what happened, I'm sorry for the circumstances, and I'm sorry things didn't work out. I love you, my Crimson Sunshine, and I always will, no matter what happens, or who we are with.*

   I got your letters yesterday, and as I read them, tears streaked down my face because I felt the emotion that ran through you as you wrote it. I must've read it a thousand times, and it was all I could do to put it down, and not carry it around like I used to do with all of your letters. I am debating if I should write you back, if it would be appropriate for me to pour everything I'm feeling out on paper, if it would be right of me to tell you how I feel, because, well, we are supposed to be moving on, are we not? I will be honest here and tell you I am not getting better, I am not feeling like letting go is the answer...but what is? Is there an answer at all? How do you fall out of love with your soulmate? With your destined? I just don't get it...

I just feel like the universe is against me....

Rain pelting on my window

Reminding me that better days are gone

Showing me the gloom that is my life

For you are my Sunshine

And now you're covered by the clouds.

And the rain that pours down my face as tears

Reminds me that I am lost without your light.

it has never rained like this for me before today

Will my skies ever clear?

And will you, my Sun, ever shine again?

"Thinking Of You"

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...